Approach To Couples Therapy

Since Couples Therapy and Family Therapy comprises more than half my practice these days, I thought it might be helpful to describe how I approach helping people improve their marriages, family relationships and couple relationships. Of course, I also do quite a lot of work with individuals who are focused on finding ways to improve their relationship skills and to be happier in their connections with other people.    

One of the central themes I find myself stressing in helping people improve their relationships with others, is to start with the understanding that each person’s experience in the emotional realm is ultimately subjective. While there are objective rules of reality when it comes to physics, and there are laws to be interpreted by judges and juries in the legal realm, emotional/psychological perspectives have no “objective truths”. Thus, human beings must use effective communication to express their feelings, needs, hurts, and wants, so listening and empathy shills must be honed to achieve optimum negotiation in almost every area of relational/communal life.

I was surprised but pleased to discover that whole books have been written on the “art of listening” to validate that this is a complex business, but this also piques my endless optimism that if people are committed enough to caring relationships, there is always the possibility that relationships can be enhanced and improved through effective dialogue.

One thought that recently occurred to me, though, is that the popular focus on “communication skills” in our field has ironically been overemphasized as the ultimate solution to relationship impasses. What I now see as an essential, but overlooked area for growth is “negotiation skills,” since every joint decision, from little things like which toothbrushes to buy, to big life-changing decisions like which house to live in, requires a give-and-take process requiring caring and often sacrifice. One useful epiphany occurred to me after listening to a new couple who insisted that they “cared” very much for each other, and then launched into a familiar (to them) conversation in which they argued and contradicted each other for the rest of our introductory session. On my ride home, I found myself trying to decide if they were deceiving themselves about the description of “caring” or if there was another explanation. I realized that my own definition of “caring” involves the negotiation of who will sacrifice their own needs, wants or preferences when there is some incompatibility in that moment.

Of course, in any relationship, there are inevitable contradictions of this sort and different preferences that occur every day. The process of negotiating who will be the “giver” and who the beneficiary of this sacrifice is where the phenomenon of “caring” is tested and worked through. In most healthy families, this process of one person sacrificing selflessly for the benefit of another happens constantly in raising children. But somehow when it comes to a negotiation between equals in the sphere of couple relationships, people so often resort to a courtroom type of argument as if there is an objective truth about who is entitled to get what they want. Unfortunately, this way of resolving disputes rarely works unless there is an established power differential that can ultimately be applied to the decision-making process. Even if this control-battle method leads to resolutions, it runs the risk of creating the serious side-effect of lingering resentments and hurt.

Where my role of therapist can provide some contribution in this messy process, is guiding true dialogue in the direction of understanding, clarification, and hopefully real enhanced caring, so that all parties can reach for new accommodations that rely on a general backdrop of loving and satisfaction. The goal of mutuality and balance, through enhanced honesty with integrity, is often more realistic than assuming that the same outcome works equally for all involved. This does mean accepting that when there is no win-win option, sacrificing so that your partner feels more satisfied is worthwhile because you will benefit from their commitment and caring to do the same in other negotiations. 

Please take a look at the pages sections:

If you have any questions or comments, please Contact me